


Burning the Year

by thewrinkleintime



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 09:39:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18848440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewrinkleintime/pseuds/thewrinkleintime
Summary: Stiles thinks about Mystique, about what he would do if he could shapeshift. He thinks that he would shapeshift into himself, into the version he should have been.In retrospect his obsession with the X-Men makes a lot of sense.





	Burning the Year

In the third grade, two very important things happen: Stiles’ mother dies, and she punches Jackson Whittemore for the first (but not the last) time.

After her mom dies she disappears into comics in an effort to escape the grief and guilt. It doesn’t matter what her dad says, she knows it was her fault. Her mom told her as much. She reads comics at recess and ignores everyone except Scott. She only talks in class when her teacher asks her a question, and even then sometimes she can’t get the words out. In a few years she won’t be able to stop talking but right now the knowledge that she killed her mom is so overwhelming that even the shortest sentence takes a lot out of her.

She’s reading an X-Men comic one day, sitting by herself on the grass, when Jackson walks up. Stiles doesn’t remember what Jackson said to make her so angry, she just remembers the anger, sharp and powerful, and before she knew it she was standing and her hand was stinging and Jackson was stumbling back, mouth open and a red bloom slowly creeping over his cheek. Stiles gets sent home and her dad’s face, full of disappointment and sadness, fills her with shame.

Stiles asks her dad to buzz her head that night, and when she shows up at school the next morning, the buzz cut feels like armor. She promised her dad she wouldn’t hit anyone again (a promise she was doomed to break) and that she would try to talk a bit more. Somehow the stares make her bolder, make it a tiny bit easier to answer when her teacher calls on her. It takes a few months, but slowly she gets her voice back.

 

~*~

 

In the eighth grade, two very important things happen: Stiles gets her period for the first time and she realizes that she’s not a girl.

Her chest tightens when she sees the blood. She pushes down the jumble of emotions that threaten to explode and finds the package of pads Melissa had given her a while ago, "just in case." She curls up in bed, pulls the covers over her head, and cries. Her dad finds her like that when he gets home from work. He sits on the edge of Stiles' bed and tries to figure out what's wrong, but Stiles doesn't talk. When the Sheriff asks if Stiles will talk to Scott, Stiles pokes her head out and nods, before disappearing under the covers again. Scott shows up twenty minutes later, out of breath, like he ran the whole way, which might actually be true. He crawls over the lump Stiles has formed under the covers and lies down. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong, just starts talking. He talks about school, about the awesome cookies Melissa made, about this cool new movie that they should totally go see. Eventually Stiles emerges, and Scott stops his current rant about wanting to play lacrosse. Scott tells her that it’s not a big deal, that it will be fine. Stiles doesn’t really believe him but it does make her feel a little better. Whatever else might be going wrong, she still has Scott.

A few months later, Stiles gets sucked into a research spiral and by the time he finds his way back out he knows who he is. Or rather, he knows what he isn’t: a girl. He thinks about how uncomfortable he is with his body, how he runs every day after school as if that would stop his hips from widening, how hearing his own voice makes him cringe, and he thinks about Mystique, about what he would do if he could shapeshift. He thinks that he would shapeshift into himself, into the version he should have been. In retrospect his obsession with the X-Men makes a lot of sense.

Stiles doesn’t know what to do with this realization, so he researches more. He reads and reads and reads and he still can’t quite bring himself to say the words out loud. He’s long past the silence he struggled with after his mother’s death, but this truth gets stuck in his throat. Maybe he doesn’t want it to be true. But it’s too big to be buried and Stiles finds that as time goes on, it gets harder to keep down.

 

~*~ 

 

In the tenth grade, two very important things happen: Stiles comes out to Scott, and he kisses Scott for the first (but not the last) time.

Scott’s the first person Stiles tells, and his heart is pounding so fast he can barely hear himself talk. He’s kept this to himself for nearly two years now, while he thought and read and tried to figure things out. He doesn’t know if “boy” or “man” is really who he is, but it fits better than anything else. It’s how he wants to be seen. And he’s finally ready for Scott to see him, even if actually saying the words makes his stomach threaten to do flips.

Scott is quiet for a few moments before pulling Stiles into a hug. He asks if he wants to use he/him pronouns from now on. Stiles grins in relief, and says yes, but only when it’s the two of them. He’s not quite ready for everyone to know. He doesn’t give a fuck what most people think, but the thought of telling his dad makes his lungs tighten and his chest hurt. He can’t risk losing his dad too. Scott pulls back a bit and gets a weird look in his eyes. Stiles opens his mouth to ask what’s wrong, which is when Scott leans forward and kisses him. It’s soft and sweet and Stiles thinks he’s dying but in a good way.

A few weeks later Scott helps him buy his first binder. He tries it on and almost cries when he sees himself in the mirror. It’s not that he hates his chest, in fact most days he doesn’t really care about it one way or the other, but _this,_ this is how he wants people to see him. Scott kisses him for the second time, open-mouthed and slow, and when he runs one hand down Stiles’ chest, it’s flat.  

 

~*~

 

In the twelfth grade, two very important things happen: Stiles and Scott get into the same college, and they have sex for the first (but not the last) time.

In their junior year Stiles and Scott start looking at colleges. The University of Vermont comes up on a list of the most trans-friendly colleges, and Stiles sends the link to Scott; his grades aren’t quite as good, but if he does well on the SAT Scott has a good chance of getting in. The animal science program has a pre-vet track for Scott, and though Stiles doesn’t quite know what he wants to do, he figures there’s enough options that he’ll find something that fits eventually. Stiles and Scott each end up getting into several schools in California, but when they both get acceptance letters to UVM, he knows where he’s going. He tries not to feel like he’s running away.

They’ve been kissing, and doing some other stuff, since Stiles came out to Scott. When they submit their deposits to UVM they celebrate with a pizza. They’re almost done with high school and in a few months they’ll be moving across the country. They’re making out in Stiles’ room, post-pizza, and Scott tastes a bit like cheese but Stiles doesn’t care. It’s soft and familiar and Stiles thinks that he doesn’t need anything else but this. Scott’s hand is hovering over the waistband of Stiles’ gym shorts with a silent question, and Stiles is nodding frantically and then they’re both scrambling to take off each other’s clothes and find a condom. Stiles feels too hot and a little awkward but there’s no one else he’d rather be doing this with. Scott is gentle and it doesn’t hurt, just feels a little uncomfortable at first, but then something shifts and Scott reaches down to touch Stiles _right there_ and Stiles gasps and then it doesn’t take very long at all.

 

~*~

 

In his freshman year of college, two very important things happen: he comes out to his dad, and he starts testosterone.

He waits until he and Scott have moved into their dorm room and his dad has flown back to Beacon Hills before he nervously Skypes him. Scott is next to him, holding his hand under the desk, when his dad picks up. Somehow Stiles manages to tell him. His dad cries a bit, but mostly because he hates that Stiles felt he had to wait so long to come out. He tells Stiles that he loves him no matter what, and Stiles breathes out for what feels like the first time in years. His dad has a few questions, but Stiles gets the feeling that this wasn’t too much of a shock.

Stiles has already changed his name and pronouns in the student information system by the time classes start, and armed with his buzz cut and flannels, he finds that being out, while terrifying, is a reward in itself. He doesn’t get misgendered as much as he expected, and when he does it’s usually followed by a quick apology. Stiles finds the LGBT Student Center and revels in never having to explain his identity. Everyone there introduces themselves with their name and pronouns, and for once Stiles doesn’t stand out.

Stiles sees a counselor at the LGBT center a few times to discuss going on testosterone. He’s pretty sure this is what he wants, but he understands that it won’t fix everything. After his third meeting with the therapist Stiles calls the Community Health Center and asks for an appointment at the trans health clinic. It takes a month or so to get the appointment figured out, but the doctor uses informed consent and Stiles’ insurance only requires one letter and before he knows it he has a vial of testosterone in his hand. Scott’s with him when he gets the first shot done at the trans health clinic, and he’s with him for the first few times he does it on his own, the sight of the needle making his hand shake slightly.

When he and Scott go home for Christmas, his voice is already deeper. He doesn’t feel at home in his body, not yet, but it’s a start.

 

~*~

 

In their sophomore year, two very important things happen: Stiles actually makes some friends other than Scott, and Scott falls in love with Allison.

By the time classes start up again after summer break, Stiles is read as male almost all the time. His voice has stopped changing, and while it’s not as deep as Scott’s, Stiles loves it. He sounds like himself for the first time. He has to start shaving, and while he knows it could take years before he’s able to grow an actual beard, if it ever happens at all, the sight of stubble in the mirror, even as sparse as it is, makes him smile. He’s not stealth though, not by a long shot. He has three different trans pride buttons on his backpack and he’s a regular at the LGBT center events. He’s avoided the Queer Student Union meetings so far, but only because the president of the QSU sat in front of him in his first year seminar and had the worst takes on basically everything. But Stiles goes to the LGBT center potlucks, and he goes to their D&D nights, and tries not to have his entire world consist of Scott. He’s aware that they’re too close, and he’s also aware that basically everyone thinks they’re boyfriends, which isn’t really true. They’re best friends and they love each other and they still have sex sometimes, but they’re not together, at least not _together-together._ It’s complicated, okay? But they decided it would be good to branch out, so they’re living in different dorms this year and Stiles promised Scott he would try and make new friends. He did go to some club meetings and events and a few parties last year, but since he and Scott were sharing a room, making new friends didn’t feel that important. He has acquaintances, some people he’s been in multiple courses with, but no one he really hangs out with outside of class. So when sophomore year starts he decides that has to change.

The first person Stiles considers trying to be friends with is his roommate, Greenberg. He considers this for about five minutes and then decides he’s not a nice enough person to make that work. The first person Stiles actually becomes friends with is Lydia, who’s in his Latin literature class and is possibly the smartest person Stiles has ever met. Lydia is a double physics and Latin major, and is somehow bored despite taking 18 credits every semester. She’s brilliant and sharp and Stiles is a little bit infatuated, at least until he gets to know her better, and then he’s just impressed. Stiles and Lydia text a lot, sometimes actually in Latin, which gives Stiles a headache but seems to come naturally to Lydia. Lydia drags him to parties and forces him to be social, and he’s grateful even if it’s sometimes a bit much. Lydia tsks at his flannels and plaid and periodically threatens to take him shopping, but has thus far not made good on that threat. Stiles argues that he lives in Vermont now, and therefore flannel is appropriate. Lydia counters that that would be true, if Stiles didn’t wear it year-round. Stiles argues that it’s cool, and Lydia lifts one perfectly plucked eyebrow in disbelief and texts him something rude in Latin. Stiles spends twenty minutes trying to translate it while Lydia laughs at him.

The second person Stiles becomes friends with is Z. Stiles and Lydia had started going to the local drag shows, where the enigmatic Z spotted Stiles and all but adopted him. Stiles and Z talk about gender and queerness and Stiles finds that he still has a lot to learn. Z gives him a signed copy of Kate Bornstein’s _Gender Outlaw_ and makes Stiles promise not to spill anything on it or get it covered in Cheeto dust. Stiles scoffs but Z just reminds him that he’s already spilled something on his shirt and it’s only 9 pm. Stiles promises to be careful and Z steals his phone to add their number.  

It turns out that Scott is better at college than he was at high school, and he’s done remarkably well in his animal science program. He’s gunning for a guaranteed spot at one of the vet schools UVM has connections to, and Stiles is optimistic he’ll get into at least one. Still, organic chemistry isn’t easy for him, and when Stiles gets tired of listening to him complain about the professor, he all but shoves him towards the tutoring center. Scott comes back with heart eyes, gushing about his tutor, Allison. Allison is magical, apparently. Allison can do no wrong. Allison knows three languages. Allison is the most beautiful girl Scott has ever seen. Stiles rolls his eyes and resigns himself to hearing about her for the next month.

One month turns into two, turns into three, and even after Scott brings his chemistry grade up, he stills hangs out with Allison. When it gets to the point where Scott is still talking about Allison while Stiles has three fingers in his ass, Stiles knows it’s time for them to move on. They don’t break up, because they were never dating, but they do stop having sex and Stiles would be lying if he said he didn’t miss it. Everything is easy and familiar with Scott, and sex was no different. The idea of actually dating someone, of being vulnerable and taking a risk and maybe getting hurt, is too much. Lydia offers to set up him with someone, but Stiles insists that he’s fine. So Stiles plays matchmaker and works with Lydia, who immediately hits it off with Allison, to get the two lovebirds to actually make a move. It takes a while, because Scott can be a little oblivious, but it happens. And then it’s Scott-and-Allison and Stiles thinks it’s a good thing they stopped being roommates because there’s only so much of their sickening cuteness he can take at one time.

By the end of sophomore year, Stiles has declared a double major (History and English), has thought about killing Greenberg more times than he can count, has realized that he’d rather be stabbed in the leg than take another Latin class, and has decided that neither his budget nor his waistline can afford any more weekly trips to Church Street for Ben & Jerry’s. He has four close friends, which is three more than he started the year with, and he has a date lined up for top surgery. He and Scott are both going back to Beacon Hills for the summer, where Scott will intern with the local vet and talk about how much he misses Allison, and Stiles will have surgery and then probably text Lydia and Z a lot and show up at the sheriff's station to make sure his dad is eating enough salad.

When Stiles gets top surgery his dad, Scott, and Melissa are all waiting in the recovery room when he wakes up. He has multiple texts from Allison, Lydia, and Z, and even one from Greenberg, though he has no clue how Greenberg even knew he was having surgery. He and Scott talk about the apartment they’re going to move into in August, and the guy they found to be their roommate, Isaac. The surgeon comes in to make sure Stiles is feeling okay, and then before he knows it he’s being wheeled out to his dad’s car. Scott gives him a quick peck on the lips and says he’ll see him later. Maybe it’s the drugs, but Stiles has a hard time not tearing up. He’d be lying if he hadn’t been at least a little worried about losing Scott, now that he’s one half of Scott-and-Allison. But Scott smiles softly, like he knows what Stiles is thinking, and runs a hand over his buzz cut. It’s getting a bit long and Stiles wonders if maybe it’s time to let it grow out. If maybe he doesn’t need the armor anymore. If maybe it’s time to take a risk, see what happens. He thinks about Mystique and he thinks about becoming himself and he thinks that maybe he’s home, right here, in his own body.


End file.
